Stockings, Cellulite, and Everything In Between

Stockings and Cellulite, Debbie Viggiano

As the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve, Cassandra Cherry's life takes a turn for the worse when she stumbles upon husband Stevie lying naked, except for his socks, on a coat-strewn bed with a 45-year-old divorcee called Cynthia. Suddenly single, Cass throws herself into the business of getting over Stevie with gusto. Her main problems now are making her nine-year-old twins happy, juggling a new social life with a return to work and avoiding being arrested by an infuriating policeman who always seems to turn up at the most inopportune moments. Then, just when Cass is least prepared, and much to Stevie's chagrin, she crashes head over heels in love with the last person she'd ever expected. 

 Cover: A The cover is perfect. The color scheme is eye catching without being overwhelming. The white lettering of the title juxtapose to the black stocking/heeled foot is a nice touch. The eye is automatically drawn to the title...which begs you to read the book (if you are at all inclined to pick up lighter women's lit). I wouldn't change a thing.
Story: A+++ The dialogue in this book is some of the most witty material I've crossed since my deceased favorite author, Erma Bombeck. Debbie Viggiano spins a tale of hilarity and hi-jinx that will have you laughing out loud. Believe me, I'm not one to blow smoke, so when I tell you that I laughed out loud--I mean it. There are no boring bits in this book. Page one, when Cassandra walks in on her hubby bouncing a  middle aged, floppy chested, big bottomed neighbor around on his pelvis, is just the tip of the phallic iceberg. 
Overall: A+ I found this book so thoroughly enjoyable that I felt compelled to send Ms. Viggiano an email expressing how absolutely brilliant I found her story. That is a first for me. I have no idea why this book isn't a best seller, because it damn well should be. This book should be up there with every Jennifer Weiner and Emily Griffin listing. It is the bomb-diggety. For a good laugh,  stop by Amazon.com today and order your copy. It is available in both paperback ($13.95) and Kindle ($5.99) formats. Be warned: if you are sipping Chablis, you just might find it coming out your nose!


Newsie Tidbits:
My short story, Looking Glass Lilly, should be out soon! I don't have a date--but I will, I promise. In the meantime, while you're buying your copy of Stockings and Cellulite, search Istoria Books LUNCH READS and see what all the buzz is about. There are three volumes available for download. At a mere $0.99-- you can't go wrong. They are genius. I hope mine is as well recieved as the authors before me...
Lastly but not leastly:
I have a rather large order of CONFESSIONS OF A PTA MAFIA MOM scheduled to arrive at my doorstep August 1st. If you would like to be the proud owner of your own autographed copy, let me know. I'm offering them at a special discounted rate of $12.00 (plus shipping if applicable). It makes a great gift for the lady in your life (and though he'd never admit it, my hubby is enjoying it just as much).
That's all for now folks. Enjoy your weekend.
Cheers!

I'm Stuck On This One!

Stuck in the Middle by Virginia Smith

From Publishers Weekly

Smith (Just As I Am) provides all the standard elements of inspirational chick lit in this first installment of the Sister-to-Sister series. Joan has been dumped by her long-term boyfriend, lives at home, has an unexciting job and can't quite figure out what to do with her life, until a single doctor (who is of course terribly good-looking and very serious about his faith) moves in next door. As the title suggests, Joan is the middle daughter and feels dwarfed by her older sister's happy family and her younger sister's beauty and success. She struggles with feeling abandoned by her father and angry that her mother forced him to leave when she was young. She wonders if there's more depth to her faith than she initially thought, and learns more about God from her new doctor friend. And she tries hard to take care of her elderly grandmother to prevent her from being sent to an assisted living home, though that may prove to be the best place for her after all. Naturally, this is the realm of happy endings, and readers won't be disappointed. The sisters are spirited and fun, and if the story takes a while to get going, it soon quickens the pace and entertains. (Feb.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Product Description

Joan Sanderson's life is stuck. Her older sister, Allie, is starting a family and her younger sister, Tori, has a budding career. Meanwhile, Joan is living at home with Mom and looking after her aging grandmother. Not exactly a recipe for excitement. That is, until a hunky young doctor moves in next door. Suddenly Joan has a goal--to get a date. But it won't be easy. Pretty Tori flirts relentlessly with him and Joan is sure that she can't compete. But with a little help from God, Allie, and an enormous mutt with bad manners, maybe Joan can find her way out of this rut.
Book 1 of the Sister-to-Sister series, Stuck in the Middle combines budding romance, spiritual searching, and a healthy dose of sibling rivalry.

Cover: A

No matter what your thoughts are pertaining to Christian fiction, you cannot find fault with this cover. I always say, covers are the gateway to the literary amusement park. This book proves it. It is the kind of cover that stops a B&N, coffee slurping, stay-at-home-mom like me to pick it up (or download it, as the case may be). Kudos to the cover artist (who wasn't listed on the Amazon site tsk-tsk).

Story: C+

I'm really not sure how I missed that this book is Christian fiction when I downloaded it. I suspect that in my eagerness to find free books to try, I didn't read the description. I know I tried the sample...which oddly enough does not have one mention of the G man in it. Hmmm, can you say, false advertising? Nah, I'm just joshing ya'. Seriously though, this book goes from a light hearted, fun read, to GOD RULES EVERYTHING (he'll even bring you chocolate ice cream upon request) in a quick turn of the page.

In spite of that, I have to say, it is a nice little book...for those that are not only Christian fiction fans, but those that attend the mega churches (since that is the variety of Christianity this book touts as the right one).  It was far better than the last piece of Christian fiction I reviewed. This book had some actual conflict (always good in books).

Overall C+

If you are looking for serious Christian fiction this will be an A or a B. The rest of us--C. It is free for kindle, so if you've got one you could always give it a whirl...moving on.

I do have some other, very interesting things to report:

1. The 3 Diamond PTA PONZI SCHEME

How cool is it when life imitates art? I could not believe my computer bleary eyeballs when I opened up my Yahoo News & read:

3 California Moms Accused of Using PTA in Ponzi Scheme

Talk about good luck! Well, I guess if you were swindled by the ladies--who BTW fooled people by claiming that they had negotiated a lifetime contract with Disneyland to become the sole providers of their dairy products (because, let's face it, when you think Disney, you think dairy?)--it really isn't good luck at all, now is it? But for me, this is a clear case of Karma telling me that I'm on the right track.

I offered to donate some of the proceeds from the sales of the book to help the victims. So far, nobody has bitten. Personally, I think it's genius. A book about the PTA being mafia thugs saving the savings of those swindled by the PTA mafia? Yep, there's something there for sure.

2. Istoria Books: LUNCH READS

I had the most wonderful email from the Editor-in-Chief of Istoria Books, telling me that they would like to acquire the digital rights to my short story, LOOKING GLASS LILLY. I'm doing cartwheels over here. Not only is it a story that holds a special place in my dark & twisted heart, it is the first short I have successfully gotten into the reading market(odd considering I have three novels in print). I'm considering it a sign that the Writing Gods do love me, they were just a little busy at the beginning of summer. Stay tuned for my plug/high pressure sales tactics.

3. News Feature?

I received notice tonight that The Lombardian is interested in running a feature article about none other than little old moi. Very exciting stuff if you're a small potatoes gal like myself. Very exciting indeed!

That's all for now folks. Keep reading.

Cheers!

We Interrupt This Sea-Side Vacation To Bring You Some Much Needed Beatrice Munson...

Beatrice Munson by Lorena Bathey
In Vista Heights, the women of the neighborhood have started to look like their homes, varying shades of beige.

Lost in this world of suburbia, Marissa Lyons learns her high school nemesis has bought the house right across the street from her. Afraid that her arch enemy, Beatrice Munson, will arrive with Marissa’s high school crush as her husband and cause Marissa to relive the insecurity of high school in her forties she decides to face the music and heads to Beatrice’s house with warm cupcakes. But what Marissa finds is something she never expected.
How will Marissa and the rest of the women of San Martino deal with someone like Beatrice Munson, whose defining moment in her life was to get a boob job or go on a trip to Egypt.

This story is about friendship, love, learning to look at things differently, and great parties.

Step into the world of Vista Heights where you might recognize the women, or you might be one of them.

 I bring this book review from Sandy Eggo--who has so thoughtfully provided much needed recuperation this week via a summer vacation at the Harbor Island Hilton. Forgive me if my formatting lacks the usual style...I lost my inhibitions somewhere at the bottom of a margarita glass.


Cover: A+
The color, the style, the simplicity--all of it works. The perfect meld. Love, love, love it. Kudos, Terry Whitington for such masterful work

Story: A
Beatrice Munson is Mary Poppins for every woman over forty. She is the person you wish you were, the person you wish was your BFF, and the person you will strive to be forevermore.
This book is enjoyable. Not what you expect, considering Marissa spent her years post high school building her up as her arch nemesis. Beatrice rides into town, her carpet bag full of tricks & tips to shake up the neighborhood in a good way. She is a Good Witch, a fortune teller, & the female equivalent to Buddha. 
Marissa and her besties fall prey to Beatrice's intoxicating ways and before you know it...*poof*they find the courage and dreams they lost between diaper changes.


Overall:A
This is a great summer read. If you've ever felt like an outcast for not drinking the "motherhood is the end all be all" Kool-Aid, this is the book for you. Do yourself a favor, get a little Beatrice Munson'd. You'll be glad you did!
Right now you can find a copy of "Beatrice Munson" on Amazon.com for your Kindle. At under five bucks, it's more affordable than months of therapy and just as effective! It is also available in paperback for $12.95.
That's all I have for now. After I fully digest my Dungeness Crab I'll be back.
Cheers!

Sci-fi For the Masses

I feel as if summer hit the Windy City & the sun stole my writing chi. Is that possible? Nah, not really. I think It was more likely the college boy coming back, the loss of my daily driver to teenage employment & the fact that this particular allergy season leaves me goopy yet drained on a daily basis.
At any rate, I have a book review & a few other tidbits for ya'all, so sit back, relax & read.
1. Ambasadora by Heidi Ruby Miller
 

If everyone told you love wasn't real, would you still be willing to die for it?

Sara Mendoza and Sean Cryer are.

In their multi-partner, caste-ruled society, love and jealousy are considered emotional fallacies, nothing more than fleeting moods and sentiments biased by hormones. Relationships and conceptions in this world obsessed with celebrity, beauty, and power are based on DNA and lineages...or should be. But not everyone believes in the ruling traditions of the all-powerful Embassy. A quiet rebellion prowls the dark underground of this shiny world where techno-militants calling themselves fraggers grow in numbers and bravado. The Embassy intends to silence the fragger movement before the heresy of equality spreads throughout the system.

Sara Mendoza is part of the Embassy's plan. Captured, tortured, and falsely accused of treason, she is given a chance to win back her freedom. She only needs to charm information from one of the fragger leaders, then kill him. But by the time she figures out the Embassy's intel is flawed and that Sean Cryer is her true mark, she's already in love with him.

Sean knows why Sara is on his ship from the start, but as a lonely, anti-social doser, he doesn't value his life, only his ideology within the fragger organization. Against his better judgment, he becomes her protector, each day caring more about a future he was always afraid to hope for.
Cover: B
I Like it. It works. The colors scheme stays true to the story (I know that sounds weird, but it's true). I picture Sara Mendoza as having the beauty of Angelina Jolie, with the kick assitude of Scarlett Johansson in Iron Man II. The girl on the cover doesn't quite do that for me...but it's good.
Story: A+ 
I love this book! What you need to know about me: I don't like sci-fi-at all. I sat through every episode of Star Trek the Next Generation because I fell in love with a man that loved it. For me it was a snooze fest with a capital S. So, the fact that this book was so thoroughly enjoyable threw me for a loop.
The story is fast paced and exciting. 
Overall: A+ 
I was amazed at how thorough the author was in creating an entire alternate universe. Her attention to detail really sucked me in. That and the relationship between Sara Mendoza, Ranier, and Sean. The torture scenes were brutal, the love scenes were hot, and the entire message of society/values left me awestruck. 
I highly recommend you give this title a shot. It will blow you away. And when you're done, you'll be able to pass it along to the sci-fi fan in your life. Just think, you'll be able to talk Fragger speak with the best of them at the Nebula awards...
Right now you can pick up a copy of Ambasadora for $2.99 as an eBook or $13.99 in paperback at Amazon.com. Well worth the money in either format. You can find out more about Heidi Ruby Miller by clicking on her name.


2. Hello, Elsie? This is the PTO calling...
So, Confessions of a PTA Mafia Mom, is out. I'm filled with happiness every time somebody Googles my name, my book, my blog...all of it/any of it. Last week I got an email fom the Editor-in-Chief of PTO Today magazine asking if I would give them an opportunity to read the book, in exchange for some free press in their mag that goes to 80,000 schools/administrators/parents.
Hmmm let's see. I write a book poking fun at small ton PTA members & a national organization that works hand in hand with the people I mocked would like to read the book...is this a set up?
Who cares? I sent it off. Cross your fingers for me. If an eighth of the people that see the article buy the book, that will be a huge win for old Elsie over here.

3. Things that are new
I updated my business cards. I wanted something that encompassed everything Elsie/Elizabeth/E.B. No better time than the present to tie in all the multiple personalities. Here they are:

 What do you think? Pretty snazzy, eh?
I'm considering a website to match. 
Three sites is a lot though. Not sure on that one yet.


 

That's all I have for now, folks. Stay tuned for a review/interview with Laurel Osterkamp & details of my meanderings in San Diego. 
Cheers!

I do care, really I do(and you should too)

Good morning fellow reader, writer, snarky bloggers. Welcome back. This week I find myself in the unusual position of writing not one, but two posts for your reading enjoyment. Why? Because it's Monday & I already have three things to post, plus another book review that will be ready later this week. Instead of cramming four things into one post, I decided to break them up. I want to give each story the attention it deserves (especially this one). Without further blathering, I'd like to get started here...

1. Please Say You Care.
In my reading repertoire, I have started to add short stories. Actually, I added one.  
Michele L. Montgomery, a writer from some great mountainous region of the United States, has written a YA short story that tackles the very dark issue of bullying of GLBT teens. I know that bullying exists across all stretches of adolescence; so I don't want comments back suggesting that this was written to exclude all the hetero kids that get bullied. This story deals with homosexuality and should be respected for its representation. In other words: read it for what it is, not what it isn't.
It isn't pretty. The story is raw. Filled with pain, sadness, and demoralizing behavior that exists in the pack mentality that humans are capable, but not proud, of. It has a message and a sliver of hope as well.

As a test I gave this to my seventeen year old son to read before I cracked the cover. He brought it back with tears in his eyes. I asked him what he thought of it. His comment was this: "It got me worried. I hope that I would be strong enough to fight off people that want to hurt someone like that."
I thought that was a pretty powerful statement. It also acted as a door opener to a conversation on what to do if you witness bullying. So, I say, kudos to you Ms. Montgomery. You have hit a nerve.

You Never Cared  is available now on Smashwords. It's FREE people! Be the change you want to see in the world. Get on it.


2. Submission Time
Yep. We're almost into May. Can you believe it? Waking up to a frost covered lawn sure does make it difficult. Regardless of the weather, May is just a few measly weeks away. You know what that means? 
I NEED YOUR STORY!

Truthfully, I have one submission ready to go; but I need one more. Remember, if you submit you get an entire page on the ELSIE LOVE website for one month. I will post your story, your bio, and any other pertinent links. I also include a contact box so your devoted fans can send you a congratulatory email.
You have nothing to lose. Do it. You won't regret it, I swear.


3. A Resume To Remember
During one of the countless hours I spend on the web, I stumbled across an writing opportunity for a publishing house in the UK. Of course I believe myself to be a simply fabulous writer--but truth be told my credentials are a bit on the thin side. Not one to give up easily, I typed up a nice little letter & sent it out.
 It seemed like a good idea at the time. However...well...take a look for yourself.

Greetings!

I recently stumbled across an interview about XXXX at YYYYYY. After reading through, I found the section on inquiring on a voluntary writing position.

Let's just say, I'm very interested.

This would be the part where you would ask, "Well, where's your resume, darling?" And I would be forced to pad a very thin writing resume or just tell the truth (which really doesn't need a word template. It comes across much better in story format).

I am a writer. I didn't graduate with honors from anywhere, but feel an honorary degree for successfully raising five productive members of society while maintaining my sanity might be in order. I've contacted Harvard. So far, they remain mum (as do Stanford, Berkley, & Wesleyan); but I've never been one to give up easily. I'm considering a road trip in the fall to untangle the paperwork snafu.

I have two novels in print and a third to be released in May. After much stewing over a minimum wage job that brought me little to no joy, I decided to take the plunge, stay home and devote more time to my first love: writing. I'm three weeks into this new adventure and itching for doors to open. 

I have been blogging on the Skirt! national site for close to a year and had one of my pieces picked up for publication in the Jacksonville Times newspaper last summer. To date, that is the only thing I can claim as an actual unsolicited request for my work. I also have a book review blog that gets little to no attention by the reading world--but it's new so, like a fine wine-- I'm giving it room to breathe. I've written countless short stories that have come home bruised, battered, and rejected. My current publisher has decided to give them a peek and see if they might work as a collection. My fourth (current) novel, Sixty pounds of Sh*t & Counting, is 30,000 words of smashing good fun that I hope to turn into 60,000 words by summer.

The best way to get a feel for me, my style, and what type of fun I might bring to XXXX, is to look at what I've already sent into the world. I'm including links to my work in the hopes that you might consider giving me a chance.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth Loan
aka E.B. Loan, Elsie Love

P.S. I'm also an insomniac, which helps when you are a writer. I never miss a deadline.


What do you think? Nailed it, didn't I?


Cheers!

Even the big dogs makes mistakes

I'm back! Photobucket heeded my warnings of having a total nuclear meltdown over site maintenance & got my blog back up to snuff. Good thing too. Nobody wants to see a woman in perimenopause freaking out on their doorstep. It just ain't pretty people.

I've decided to break my cardinal rule of not reading while I'm in the heat of yammering away at the keyboard for a new book. How do writers read & write at the same time? Very carefully. I believe that each book has it's own unique voice & as a writer I don't want any voice to influence my book unless it comes from the stage in my head. Because of this I read, then I write, then I read, then I....

You get the idea.

This plan worked. It kept the number of books I consumed to a bare bones minimum, which made having a book blog a bit of a challenge. And with my wonderful little Kindle calling to me, I decided to bend a little & see what happens. So far so good. This brings me to number one in this post:

1. Bridge to Happiness, Jill Barnett

Ms. Barnett is a well seasoned author. With 13 novels & seven short stories in print, I was surprised to find her book, Bridge to Happiness, as a kindle freebie. But, on my search for something new, there it was. I downloaded and dove in.

Before I post my opinion of the story, I want to take a minute and talk about the quality of the piece. As a writer I am acutely aware that mistakes slip out. It is a fate worse than death (as a newbie) to get a copy of your baby & find glaring misprints: commas in the wrong place, quotations that are missing, misspellings, etc. As a nobody, you know that 99.9% of the people that read your material know you personally & are going to (with the attitude that they are doing you a favor) point each & every one out in triplicate. What they might not realize, is that you have already lost a week's sleep--per mistake.

Do you think the same holds true for a seasoned Walden Book Award winner? I only ask because this book had a whopping handful of them. The biggest issue was quotes that didn't quite get around the person speaking in the correct format. It was enough that I assumed that Ms. Barnett was just like the rest of us lower level mopes running around looking for our big break. I checked out her bio & publisher at the end and thought, Hmmmm, now that is interesting. Perhaps the book was free that week while Bell Bridge Books made corrections? Or maybe they are a lower level publishing house & the book I chose to read represents her earlier work? I really don't know. But it sure did make me feel better about me! On to the review...

It was a nice well written story. I really enjoyed it. Mostly romance, it is the story of March Cantrell, a wild lioness of a woman. It chronicles her life from her twenties through her sixties.

Part one of the book is written in third person. Very beautifully done. The language flowed and descriptions were so vivid--I loved it immediately. But hold on a sec, in part two the book switches to the first person view of March. Her children are grown, her husband just passed away in an untimely manner, and she is unraveling. Can you do that? I guess Jill Barnett can. 

It threw me for a bit. I didn't like the switch. I felt that the conversations between her & her children were a tad forced. Just when I was ready to throw it down & give up...March really loses it & the book becomes very engaging once again. I guess I'm just the kind of gal that can relate to a woman on the edge, drinking margaritas with her cackling hens until she passes out. LOL

Overall this was a nice little read. I give it four stars. I did find chunks of the work to be quite predictable, but it's a love story, that tends to happen. There were other parts that were a complete surprise. They made up for any cliches. (Why doesn't the little accent show up here?) 

The book is up to full price now. A whopping $8.99 (less than three fancy coffees at Caribou & easier on the hips). If anybody pays for it, would you please send me a note & let me know if the quotes were fixed? It's been driving me crazy...

  2. Let's celebrate!

I have two reasons to celebrate today. First, I now have twenty (yep I set the bar high) followers of my review blog! This might not sound like much, but I'll tell ya' blogger fans are tough to come by. Every single follower I earned through blood, sweat, & typing. Thanks you guys. I always say, when I'm rich & famous I'll have you all over for a sleep over at my beach house. So, if you have any friends you'd like to bring along, you best get them signed up as followers now. After fame comes, it too late!

Second, and last, I have reached a big milestone in my next book, Sixty Pounds of Sh*t & Counting. Late yesterday I hit the 60 page mark. That's a page for every pound! I think that deserves a little toast, don't you? Before you know it I'll be blogging about my recommitted search for an agent (and we all know how fun that bitch-fest is).

I love you guys. Each & every blood sucking, in it for your own promotion, one of you. Without my fans...I'm nothing.

Cheers!

Near disaster & light at the end of the tunnel

 1. The Black Screen of Death

I'm lucky to be posting. This week, for the first time in my computer owning history, I caught a virus. It was of the Trojan variety.

It was NASTY. Terrible. Awful. Horrible beyond words.Not your typical, don't worry your virus protection's got this all day long variety. This sucker embedded somewhere inaccessible and rendered my trusty laptop useless in five minutes of insertion (ohhhh sounds dirty). 

I got the black screen of death & immediately wanted to do unspeakable things to anyone stupid enough to tread within one hundred feet of my blistered emotional state.

Thank God my neighbor Russ Karlov is somewhat of a computer savant. He gave up his Tuesday night and part of his Wednesday tracking it down and removing it. I gave him a Groupon, which hardly seems a fair trade. He gives up six hours of his life that he'll never get back & in return he gets $30.00 worth of food & drinks at a local "upscale" tavern? I would have offered my firstborn, but that would actually have been a bigger punishment.

Thank God for techno geeks. Without them people would be jumping off high rises on a daily basis over lost emails.

2. It's Here! It's Here!

Yesterday while still in the throes of computer hell, I got the final draft of the cover for Confessions! Not only that, but I got a release date! Take a peek. I dare you to find fault. It is, by far, the best cover I've ever had & I am eternally grateful to my Aussie compadre Justin James for doing such a splendid job. Kisses babe ;)

I told you! Isn't it the greatest???? I've updated my Elsie Love site to include the cover and some other new tidbits. please stop by, click the like! button, & send a note to Robin Sitten, this month's author in the spotlight.

Confessions of a PTA Mafia Mom, will be released as an eBook in May, followed by the print version in early July. I will be doing a giveaway on Goodreads, as well as here, so stay tuned for that.

3. Dare Empire Media Lounge Chat

This Saturday, April 9th, Dare Media is launching their chat group, The Empire Lounge (see above video). It's a great opportunity for readers & writers alike to gather, talk to their favorite pubbed authors & generally just have a rip roaring good time. Guess who is slated for the first slot? Moi. Yep, that's right. At 10:00 A.M. (egads, I might have to set an alarm) US central time, I will be there. The question is...will you?

Until next time...

Cheers!